Monday, October 14, 2013

Transitioning Thoughts

The past nearly three weeks have been a struggle. A struggle to understand, accept, and come to terms with what happened and why. I don't want to think of myself as God's puppet. As if He plays with us at his every whim, but sometimes I'm angry that that's the way it feels. I felt God calling to do mission, to spread the Gospel not through critical words and harsh judgment but with acts of love and understanding. But with everything that happened, God scooped me back up and took me home. Calling me home.

I sit here now in my room, my comfortable room, with my familiar surroundings and amenities. I remember one of the first nights back I ran into my parent's room exclaiming, "I have electricity, I have electricity!" and becoming emotional that I will not have a apprehension that the power will go out just because. And while I live on a busy road, the silence of the night echoed inside me as the fan noise was no longer there.

Sometimes when I'm alone with my thoughts I think of her, Haiti. I reason that I can go back and I'm going to call up the Mission Office and say I want to go back. But alas, that is not the happen. It can't happen. I have already begun to look ahead towards employment and graduate school, I'm so eager to undertake.

I would like to share a poem I wrote soon after I came back. Much of it came from my raw emotion at the time, so it may be a bit harsh but it's from the heart.

Unfinished Business

It didn’t work out

I need to be there

I didn’t like the food

I didn’t like the heat

But I need to be there

I never liked the Caribbean

But I need to be there.

My boss and I weren’t a good match

My students didn’t like me?

But I have unfinished business

I miss the place

This place that gave me grief

Maybe I let it give me grief?

Maybe if I took a stand!

But the school

Those kids, that culture

And the church!

So hot

The pews were hard

No fellowship

Peace: Just handshakes

No peace said

Why do I want to go back?

I left a friend

I left a project

I left unfinished business


My unfinished business

Haiti will always have a special and dear place in my heart. Perhaps one day I will return. But until, then the memories will keep me company, good and bad. The good ones will keep me happy and the bad ones will remind me of my mistakes.